Matthew
Chapter 1: Parents of Jesus 'Conception, birth and early days: Christ’s origins and how Mary lost her virginity ' It is now time to set the record straight once and for all about the Seven Synoptic Sensational Secrets about Christ’s origins. You, dear reader, may consider the option which you consider most appropriate from the following revelations and remember, just because the version which gave rise to the Niceno-Constantinopolitan creed was accepted by the Church some 1,700 years ago, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is true. Anyway, here we go: 1. Mary was a woman of good countenance and generous spirit who took pity on one of her childless bingo playing partners in the halls at Carmel. She took on the role of a surrogate mother. After learning that the biological parents had a huge win and left the country selfishly for the Balearic Islands she unselfishly kept the child. The oral tradition has it that at his birth Mary cried out, “Oh, Jesus, JESUS CHRIST” and the rest is, of course, history. (Source: the Gnostic Gospels burned by the Vatican). 2. The father was, in fact, the hard working carpenter who could trace his family tree back to David and Abraham. (Source: Matthew 1:16, “And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ”). 3. A Roman soldier called Tiberius Julius Abdes Panthera (Source: The Bible Fraud by Tony Bushby). 4. A lawyer (Source: Acts 28:23). 5. An unknown male she met one night in the Citric Acid night club, Carmel. (Source: The Bible Spoof: Sex, Clerical Thugs, ''Sheepskin Rugs ‘n’ Bless My Soul'', Chapter on Samuel: Otherwise called the First Book of Kings). 6. A man called David, a popular name of the period and even unto this very day, whom she also met one night in the Citric Acid night club, Carmel. (Sources: The Bible Spoof: Sex, Clerical Thugs, Sheepskin Rugs ‘n’ Bless My Soul, Chapter on Samuel: Otherwise called the First Book of Kings and Mark 12: 35-37, Matt 21:9 Matt 23:42). 7. The God Jehovah, Bright Cloud. (Source: Matt 17:6, denied by rabbinical scholars). 8. The Holy Ghost. This was just a clever idea on the part of Mary as she couldn’t remember who the real father was and when once asked to name him, replied off the top of her head, “''Oh, it was the Holy Ghost''” and the name stuck. She would have made an ideal guest for the Jerry Springer show and his famous polygraph & DNA tests about paternity. Yes, little has changed in two thousand years. This is the real reason why Jesus would allow criticism of himself but not the Holy Ghost, the absentee father he never knew. (Source Matt 1:18, Acts 2:30, Romans 1:3, 2 Timothy 2-8, Hebrews 2:16 and Revelation 22:16). It is also instructive to read the so-called authoritative Qur’an'' on the subject of Mary. ‘Tis indeed odd that God has very little to say about his Son’s Mother in the New Testament but this is typical of the way men discard their exes and try to write them out of their personal histories. But, at the same time, we all know that time is a great healer and the Archangel Gabriel reveals to the Prophet Muhammad in Suras 3 & 19, Mary of the Qur’an that God sent his spirit to her and she conceived a perfected man, unfathered. Interestingly enough, according to the Qur’an, Mary gives birth at the foot of a palm tree rather than a stable and refreshes her feet in a nearby stream and names her son Jesus. Listen, if you will, to the true story of parenthood as told in Mary’s own words to the Editor of the Woman’s Page of the Jerusalem Herald newspaper. Reader, I used an online translator from the original Aramaic. These things have a mind of their own and the translation seems to have come out Noo Yawk Yiddish but this seems authentic enough for me (refer to the glossary in the Appendices for translations of Yiddish terms). Please remember fantasy figures can do whatever they like. I only need to cite the characters who appear in the New Testes as evidence. ''Paternity suits '' Shalom people. I wanna thank the Herald for dis opportoonity to let you know my boychick is not a mamzer. Gevalt! I dunno if it is kosher to share with you when I foist had shtup as this makes me rather verklempt, but in for a nickel, in for a pound, as my old bubbeh used to say. I guess y’all wanna know how did I lose my cherry? By the way, dis term has always puzzled me as the way I see it, I may have given away my virginity but I gained a sex life. Now, what could be better than dis? Oi!!! In any event, as I recall, it was a balmy night in my shtetl and I had the noive to shimmy my little tush off our flat roof to hit da club scene while my parents Candy and Rocky were sound asleep. They were early risers. As a goil scout, I always believed in being prepared but I was scared if I brought my contraceptive equipment with me I might wake the neighbours, or even the King, so I simply left my precautionary Hijab* at home. Anyway, to return to how no longer a b'suleh I became. All I can remember is gettin’ a pastrami ‘n’ pickle on rye sandwich down my neck followed by a few high balls and a blintz during the happy half hour in Joel’s Bar ‘n’ Grill. The joint was jumpin’ as usual and I vaguely remember being bought drinks by some off duty Roman soldiers, a few Rabbis, a Catholic priest, lots of guys called David and some poor carpenter with sawdust in his sandals called Yusuf. I also have the strangest of feelin’s that there was some guy standin’ at the end of the bar wid wings and the biggest schlong I have ever seen hangin’ over his shoulder, lookin’ like they had just been rolled in a bag of flour. It could have been mom’s boss. After this I can’t remember too much. To be honest, I guess it really could have been any of them or indeed all of them who wuz da fadder, though I am pretty sure it wasn’t a goy as I seem to remember a head with a bris, though this could just be hubris. In any event, whoever picked me was no klutz. I have a lastin’ impression, however, that the first in the queue was a dude called Gaby. He was awesome. I kinda remember he had feathers on his back and I reckon we must have made shtup in the chicken coop behind the bar which would account for me pickin’ sweet corn out of my tushy. I guess that’s it though I shudda asked for his kibbutz number. Love and unholy kisses, Mary. Footnote: *You may be interested to learn that the Hijab is an Arabic word meaning barrier. Historically, of course, the Hijab has always been used as a contraceptive and is in fact the source of what we call in the west, the barrier method. Indeed, one of the benefits of the crusades is that the Arabs taught the so-called civilised world about the art of health care and how to run hospitals which Medical Services have been struggling to learn until this very day. The Muhaajaba or Hijab wearer is, of course, only accessible through the small slit across the eyes which has resulted in many being poked in the eye by over amorous suitors and their treatment coincidentally in the excellent eye hospitals in Arabic countries. Many have, in fact, set up specialist departments to deal with this increasingly common type of accident and emergency. PS. If you don’t believe that it is really me, Mary, who made this interview you may well be on the way to develop the rigorous analytical skills required to take a warm-hearted but dispassionate look at the Holey Book. PPS.I have to confess, I was a virgin once. In this sense I am not that different from most girls though modern women have the advantage of access to the hymenoplastie virginity reversal operation. This has come a long way from the original complex surgical procedure based on chicken wings first performed by the rapid response regiment of gynaecologists in Ye Olde Testosterone. Footnotes: Technically, traditional Rabbinical, and later Catholic scholars, would argue that this procedure was rather a virginity reversal on a chicken and not a woman as it was chicken and not girly flesh which was used. But, what’s more, modern science has addressed these criticisms and as result today just a simple skin graft does the trick. This, I am delighted to say, IS sanctioned by the church. More church weddings mean more church revenues. You might wonder where Mary has been for the last 2,000 odd years, but she has not really been far, far away. Au contraire, she has been popping up like an Easter bunny with ever increasing apparitions ever since her burial in Ephesus, Turkey, in what now seems but a heartbeat away. In any event, her appearances actually increased in direct proportion to the invention and development of the printing press by Johan Gutenberg in 1439. Gutenberg produced about 135 copies of his famous Bible on paper and about 45 on vellum. For your information both vellum copies in the British Library are complete. Why not take them out on loan, take them home and entertain all the family? Marian apparitions: 632 Medina (Suras 3 & 19), 1347 Sienna, Guadalupe 1531, Paris 1830, Rome 1842, La Salette 1846, Lourdes 1858, Pontmain 1871, Pellevoisin 1876, Knock 1879, Fatima 1917, Beauraing 1932, Banneaux 1933 and on the cover of the Christmas 2008 Mexican edition of Playboy magazine though this was denied by Playboy Mexico. (The model was apparently from the Argentine and not from Israel). A recent Market Research Association study on the belief in the virgin birth found only 30% of respondents accepted that Jesus was the fruit of a virgin womb. We must conclude he was a fruit of another kind and as we shall see later most likely a fruit cake. Mary became a popular diner in the fine restaurants in and around Nazareth and especially on the odd visit to the capital, Jerusalem. Whenever she was offered a dessert, from tiramisu to sabayon, she would quip, “''Sorry, no room at the in.” She would then erupt into hysterics as many middle aged people do when they laugh at their own corny jokes. Sin optic from the Greek named Giorgos meaning to see together, thus we group Matt, Mark and Luke together because of their common verses leaving John in a category of his own. Ah well, so much for Mary’s own account though unlike Mary apart from being propped up by a bar your writer, moi, was for years merrily, merrily, propped up by two crutches called Ye Olde Testosterone and the New Testes. In my earlier review of Ye Olde Testosterone, The Bible Spoof: Sex, Clerical Thugs, Sheepskin Rugs ‘n’ Bless My Soul I threw away my left crutch and here in The Bible Spoof ''I throw away my right crutch. I am now, “''flying without wings” or even crutches. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my learned friend, Judge A. G. Guya who taught me, in the privacy of her chambers, that the crotch is mightier than the crutch and the plastic penis mightier than the sword. As Big Ben said to the leaning Tower of Piza, “''I’ve got the time, if you’ve got the inclination''.” 'From the Immaculate Conception to the immaculate concept: the nativity ' '' '' While humble shepherds washed their socks by night with three wise guys '' We are then witness to the birth of Jesus while the shepherds famously left their sheep and humbly washed their cocks by night. (See the Adoration of the Kings by Pieter Breugel the Elder 1564. Of special interest in this painting is the witness with the milk bottle bottom glass spectacles who rather steals the show from the baby Jesus). I would venture to suggest had Jesus been delivered by the good Doctor Luke himself the nativity may have had a greater ring of truth to it. We also learn that eight days later Jesus was circumcised. Tradition has it that at birth the initials TKOTJ were also tattooed onto his royal organ which, when later extended, as an adult revealed the well known phrase, ''“The King of the Jews.” ' ' Incidentally, Luke states Jesus was born when Cyrenus (Quirinus) was Governor of Syria. As this was some ten years after He Rod died it is proof that there was not one Jesus Christ but two. Or if, you were to believe Josephus in his Antiquities ''there was a census in Judea in 6CE. Therefore, there were not two Christs, but three, which may well be the true roots of the concept of the Trinity. On the other hand, the apostles could have been confused with the three wise guys which Matt tells us came from the East to foolishly ask King He Rod in Jerusalem if he knew where the new king was to be born. They sensibly returned back East via Bethlehem leaving He Rod to slaughter all new born under 2 years of age. ''A Second Coming '' As an alternative to the conventional birth my favourite description of the nativity is to be found strangely not in the Gospels but in cyber space on UK.YouTube.com Here, you may input “''the nativity terminator” into their search engine where you will witness a short clip of the Terminator who is programmed to protect Jesus. Listen, if you will, as Arnie says those magic words, “''Hasta la vista Baby Jesus''.” It is absolutely hilarious. The greatest action story ever told. It finishes with the Terminator, standing like a centurion with a double-barrelled shotgun over his shoulder at the crucifiction where he comments darkly about Jesus, “''He’ll be back''.” (See also the good news about the Second Coming in The Acts). What’s in a name '' It is further confirmed that when Mary shouted out Jesus Christ at his birth she did so as he had been named by the angel before he was conceived in the womb. (Luke 2:21). However, according to Matt (Matt 1:23) an unnamed prophet said he should be called Emmanuel, though as we seen above, he was given the name Joshua. We owe a debt of gratitude to none other than Silvio Berusconi , the Italian Prime Minister, who when speaking at a recent rally of young members of his party joked that Mary told Joseph that she would have preferred a little girl to the baby Jesus. I can take this a step further and confirm that they had already picked a name for her, Christina. However, what is odd is that his name was actually supposed to be Joshua and not Jesus. Strange, but true. ''Christ’s identity crisis and miscellaneous teachings It is stating the obvious that the births, deaths and marriages role of the church was primarily related to numbering* the people so that their betters could collect taxes from them to pay, at best, for the army to defend them or, fix the church roof or, at worst, to annex neighbouring territories from other tribes. Matt follows this church tradition and kicks off his biography with a stirring genealogical table tracing the origins of Jesus back to Abraham via David. But we may discount this genealogical link as Matthew was a tax collector for the Romans who interestingly enough for a Hebrew speaker, allegedly wrote his Gospel in classical Greek and not Aramaic. Anyway, he tells us that, “''All the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations: and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations: and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations''.” That is to say 42x20=840 years. This may be contrasted with Luke’s comments on Jesus’ origins below. Footnote: *Time and place in literary criticism is important. Matt Who should, of course, have started with the 1566 Numbering at Bethlehem by Pieter Brueghel. There is nothing like a Flemish ice and snow scene to melt the heart though given the cold let’s face it the painting looks more than a queue for a public toilet than a census. By the way have you noticed there is a terrible lack of public toilets these days when you want to spend a penny? The lilies of the valley may be provided for but not us girls as we shop till we drop. Comings and goings '' Adam Smith, the father of the Wealth of Nations has stated that, “''If you joined all genealogists end to end they wouldn’t reach a conclusion.” And if no further proof of this truism is needed there is always the genealogy of Christ which is given in Luke 3:23-28. This begins, “''And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli''.” His origins are then traced back via, David, Obed, Booze, Jacob, Isaac and Abraham all the way to Adam, the half brother of Jesus and Son of God. It is stating the obvious at this juncture to comment that the alleged father of Jesus was the Holy Spirit and not Joseph therefore such references to tracing Jesus’ ancestors back to Adam are illogical except for Adam himself, of course, who shared the same dubious father with Jesus. The continuing story of Christ’s problem with his identity continues with Jesus posing the old chestnut, “''How say they Christ is David’s son''?” (Luke 20:41). This is simply a further example of Christ’s obsession with his parentage. For the record we might as well note here in passing his wise council to his disciples concerning false priests. “''Because of the scribes which desire to walk in long robes, and have greetings in the markets, and the highest seats in the synagogues, and the other chief rooms at feasts; which devour widows’ houses, and for a shew made long prayers: the same shall receive greater damnation''.” (Luke 20:46-47). Jewish Matt may well have been trying to convince other Jews that Jesus was descended from King David to bring about their conversion to Christianity though neither the names, Christianity or the Church, had been coined at the time of writing which seriously casts doubt on the genuineness of his Gospel. In brief the NT starts with a damp squib and not a big bang but as we shall see below, more accurately it starts with an inaccuracy. After beginning with the above mentioned fraudulent genealogical link we are reminded of Mary’s alleged conception by the Holy Ghost with we examined above along with Suras 3 & 19 of the so-called authoritative Qur’an on the subject of the Virgin birth. A few odd things emerge on studying Mark. The first, perhaps, is the reference to the Messianic Secret as Jesus tells his disciple that he isn’t the Messiah. I have concluded that as it hard to imaging Jesus telling a lie that he was in fact telling the truth. He was not the Messiah and in fact describes himself as a carpenter. (Mark 6:3). Next, Mark makes an oblique mention to Jesus as a son of Mary (Mark 6.3) and not the Son of man which we all know anyway is a physical impossibility. Men do not bear children. A cosmetic Christ '' Much later in the scene where Jesus was transfigured (put a new face on things changes) when together with Peter, James and John they go up a high mountain also has a bearing on claryfing Christ’s origins. And behold there appeared unto them the resurrected Moses and Elias talking with him. Suddenly, a voice from a cloud which happens to be passing says, “''This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.” (Matthew 17:6). Thus, the Bible gives a further twist to the parentage of Jesus, not the son of: a carpenter, a centurion, a lawyer, or an unknown male with the sobriquet of Holy Ghost but a Bright Cloud. This is not an unlikely name as Red Cloud was the father of the Sioux nation therefore it is plausible that the father could indeed be called Bright Cloud. Well, wouldn’t he? Like Moses before him Jesus has a tendency to repeat himself and he prophecies again that the Son of man be risen from the dead. Thanks to modern science this remark could in fact be interpreted as a future cure for penile erectile dysfunction. ''From Bethlehem, to Egypt to Nazareth '' According to Matt (Matt2:13) we follow in the footsteps of the holy family fleeing to Egypt to avoid King He Rod before ostensibly returning to take up residence in Nazareth after his death. Chapter 2: Lancashire Christmas Story Me Auntie Barbara’s son Joe lives down our back row And he were telling us about Mary, his bird And the morning of the Bethlehem Charabanc trip He said the funniest of things had occurred Mary, his fiancée, had just left their Nancy’s When there happened the most strangest of things There were a puff of white smoke and there stood this bloke In a nightie wi’ a halo and wings. Well she jumped with the fright, she says: “You’ve no right, Putting the willies up people like that” She says, “I’ve come ower all queer, I’m all wobbly stood here, I’ll have to sit down you daft pratt!” He says, “I’m reet sorry for t’ freet, It’s Mary, am I reet?, I’ve got summat in here, just for you, It’s from the Lord God Almighty.” he put his hand in his nightie Mary went a bit faint and said, “Ooh!” She were relieved, poor soul, when he pulled out a scroll Started to read about joy and glad tidings She’s says, “You’d best sling your harp and bugger off sharp, ' Cos if our Joe comes you’ll get a good hiding!” “Hang on Mrs er…, It’s all ‘whyfores’ and ‘wheres’” She says “Miss!” he says “What?” she says “Miss!” “Miss?” he says, “Oh… you’re not married?” she says, “No” He says, “In that case it’s bad news, is this” He says, “What it says, is; in a couple of days, Your gan’ to give birth to a saviour, Some sort of Messiah.” She says, “Eeh, you big liar, We don’t go in for that sort of behaviour.” Mary were struck dumb, then as fast as he’d come He done a bunk in a flash of white light She says, “Eee! thanks a bunch, put us right off me lunch, And now me corsets have gone proper tight” She met up with her pals down by the canal Where the charabanc were sat sitting waitin’ “What time d’you call this?” said Joe givin her a kiss She says, “Shush, Joe, give ower creatin’.” Joe helped her on t’ bus, made a right flaming fuss Give a heave and gritted his teeth. He gave a big push, Mary started to blush He says “Bugger me, you’ven’t narf piled on some beef” She’s says, “Ho’d yer gob, Joe. There’s summat you should know, I’ve just discovered I’m gan’ to give birth.” Looks her straight in the eye, he says “You what?” she says “Aye” And started explaining for all she were worth. She says, “I’m supposin’ we should be glad we was chosen, Fancy picking us! What’s the odds?” He says, “There’s summat I’m missin', can you git pregnant by kissin'?” She says, “No, you daft tatie, it’s God’s!” She thought she’d best mention divine intervention 'Cos Joe were, like, smelling a rat He says, “Oh aye, hunky-dory, you mean he takes the glory, And leaves us with the bairn... Bugger that!” It were quite a long drive; by the time they arrived The whole bus were all laughing and shrieking But at the back of the bus things was being discussed And by this time Joe and Mary weren’t speaking After a day on the booze, Joe were singin’ the blues Verse and chorus of ‘Wild Mersey Rover’ Mary grabbed at his hand; says “I don’t feel too grand, I think you and me’d best stop over!” After they’d piled all the gang back on Bills Charabanc They went wandering the streets for a bed And at quarter to three, they found a cheap B&B But “I’m sorry we’re full up” the bloke said “I’ve no rooms” he said “But I’ve got this bit shed, It’s quite dry and there’s plenty hay in it” Mary shouts “That’ll do” and then she went, “Ooh!” She says, “Me contractions are every three minutes!” Bloke says, “Hang on a tick, I know a shepherd called Mick, He’s a dab hand at lambing and that, He’ll know what to do, I’ve seen him wi’ ewes, And he helped Mrs Nicholson’s cat.” It were early that morn’ as the baby were born Three wise men from the west wandered in They said, “For summst so young, he’s a fine pair of lungs, You can hear it a mile off, that din!” One had a runny nose and when he came close He looked like Persian or Mesopotamian Just then he sneezes and Mary shouts “Jesus!” Joe says “Write that down, it’s better than Damien.” While wiping his eyes Joe says, “That’s not too wise, You could give the poor bugger your cold” He says, “No, yer okay, I’m just allergic to hay” Then he handed ower a bag full of gold. Says Joe: “Tha’s mickle kind; are ye sure ye don’t mind? Thanks a lot. Hey! This isn’t too bad." He looked at Mary and kid and said “Well I never did, Happen I’ll get used to this being a dad” He says, "It’s brilliant is this!" He give Mary a kiss And went off to phone Auntie Barbara Thinking, “Bethlehem’s quite nice but I’ll not do this twice, Nixt year we’re going to Scarborough.” Originally by Gary Hogg in 'The Geordie Bible', rendered into Lancashire by an unknown scribe. Category:Lancashire Bible